"Pretty Woman"

Oh my god....I miss you so much. You can't understand, won't understand when I say how much, how terribly I miss you. I loved you...I think. I don't really know what love is, but I thought I loved you. Then you changed. I was dissapointed. I was hurt. How could you hurt me like that? Hurt me like I was an animal?

Sometimes I feel like you are just another man, passing by, another train i've ridden before and now I must switch to another line.....

Other times.....I miss you. Come back to me. I love you.

Why do I feel like I am about to fall off a cliff?

Okay...so...this guy likes me. But I don't know how to tell him I just want to be friends. Meanwhile, my other friend is warning me about him. But he seems like such a nice guy. This sucks. I hate it when people try to date w/in groups. It just doesn't work out. I keep trying to be nice to everybody. Now I feel like I'm gonna get burned. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

40 crunches and feeling good....
lyrics: "You love me but you don't know who I am..."
everyone must feel this way at some point....

YAY! I love my friends. Talking to someone I care about was great today.

Okay. So right now is the worst possible time for me to have a boyfriend. I feel like I'd make the worst girlfriend right now. I don't even want to talk to people I really like. Is that awful?
So I like a few people. What's wrong with that? I just want to be friends with everyone. I've never had a ton of boyfriends...even if I'd like to of had. Wow. Not sure if that sentence structure was even correct. This is a space where I can simply rant. It feels good to rant. Seldomly to I get to speak my mind, and I relish the occasion. My nature is to ignore meanness, hurt, sadness, whatever.

Drama.

What is it?

It defines me at times.

In my family, emotions are taboo. So acting is an outlet...I guess you could say. I miss it. I feel like I need to scream sometimes....

What will my next endeavor be? Who Knows.........

I have come to realize that just because you talk to someone it doesn't necessarily mean that you have become close. Intimacy must be earned and enjoyed by both parties. It cannot be forced. I feel as though sometimes people endeavor to increase their intimacy level with me. But I feel trapped, like a caged bird. And the minute there is forced coersion I yearn to break free. Why can't I make up my mind what I want? Being capricious is so annoying. GRRRRRRRRRR. I feel jaded.

So the other day I went fishing with my grandpa. It was actually really cool. We got up early, say 6 AM, a time when most people are setting into their third or fourth REM cycles of the night. The solitude of rising early was awing. Seldomly rising at 6 am, I was extremely tired, yet wide awake simultaneously. It was a different experience to say the least. As early as I can remember my grandfather and father have been taking me fishing. It has become a ritual in our family. Like the ancient native Americans with their chants and spiritual dancing, we glide across the lake skimming the surface. Our poles jiggle. It is a remainder of what we are really there for, the inevitable quest to conquer. Pathetic as they are, fish are an inferior species for they lack the intelligence and strength that other species possess. It is our lack, and rather their lack of it, that they are fish. And so, at the end of the day, our total sum of Speckled Perch, a species indigenous to Lake Marion, was 14 after sorting out which fish were "grown" enough to keep.

My grandfather then teaches me how to clean fish (ACK!).

MY GRANDFATHER IS DRIVING ME CRAZY

WHY:

1. He can't seem to ever find his remote control even though it is only 10 feet away, visibly on the armchair by the tv.
2. Waiting until everyone is sitting in the hot car, ready to go out and eat, he finds something he needs to fix on his old Cadillac (EVERY TIME)
3. Why do I have to go to Publix every other day? WHY? WHY? WHY??????
4. Don't ever forget to put the phone back on the hook. NOT even for 10 minutes.

Today I am feeling particularly annoyed. Certain areas of my life are unbalanced so to speak. Forces, beyond our control, often change our lives instantly. So many instances in my life recently have been out of my hands. I want to cry out, yell, scream, demand that life isn't fair. This is not what was intended for me. My life was meant to be easier. But life isn't easy I've discovered. Then there's the realisation that things could be a lot worse. Perhaps I was born in Africa, as a woman. Would I have aids? Would I be alive even, at the age of 19? These are questions that come to the forefront of my mind at times. Others tell me I worry too much. Maybe I do. But it is only because I have so much passion. I don't know what to do. Every day I wake up with an internal clock ticking away, reminding me time is running out. You say that I have plenty of time to worry. But I don't. Doing something, multiple things, important with my life has great value with me. Am I being too philosophical or verbose?

Getting on with my point. I feel as though my time is limited. A reminder of how limited comes from the deaths of people around me everyday. Never knowing when my time will come pushes me to succeed and reach my goals. Others may care about themselves alone. However I plan to live my life will be less selfishly, because ohters are important to me. No, I won't make myself a doormat. Nor will i completely give up my own wants and desires. But realising what's really important, that is what's important.

My boyfriend broke up with me about a week ago. It was difficult. What I realized was that I am still the same as I was, now I can just date other people. I am no less attractive, funny, smart, or happy. My friends, my home, my school, my career are all the same.
I want to do some great things. Starting with today. Dreaming of being a writer, an artist, a member of the Peace Corps. These are my ideals.

Yay! It's summertime! For most of you that means long days on the beach, nights at a party, and love-making. But for me, life has smacked me in the face with a large dose of reality. Events force you to grow up. What once seemed fun, now seems trite. I like to have fun as much as the next girl, party, drink, stay out late, and make-out. However, right now I'm going through some hard times. I am trying to stay positive and be a good sport about it all. Both of my dads are really sick. The fact that they both live in different states makes it hard. While staying with one, I can't be with the other. What's a girl to do? My mom and I are dealing with it the best we can. We do this by going on with our daily lives. Secretly, we are toiling on the inside. Our inner hearts cry. Society expects people to keep it all inside. To be perfect you must act, look, talk, be perfect. Maybe your life is perfect. Maybe it isn't. It isn't my fault that people get emotionally distraught. Most of the time, it's nothing they did at all. It's circumstances. So in the event that you are faced with tragedy, or hardship, love the people you care about. Tell them. Spread it around, until your heart is so stretched thin that the people you care about apprehend your love. So often we take for granted what we have. I know I do. We all do. It is extremely important to remember what IS important. I'm certainly not perfect...But I'd like to be as damn close as possible. My dreams are BIG. My love is BIG. My lust for dessert is BIG. Maybe you think I'm addicted or ridiculous. But that's you. This is how I want to live my life, so fuck off. Going through life not feeling isn't living. You are slowly dying, inside. This is what I feel today. WHo knows? Tomorrow it may change, and my life may sound less somber and morbid. For now, I am going to play soccer, run, talk to my boyfriend, keep up with my friends, tell my parents I love them, party hard, go to the beach, and live each moment like it's my last. My friends inspire me. Who inspires you?

Today is a good day. I am hanging out with Tyler and Sally while Candice is at class. Later on Sally and Claiborne and I are gonna go to GoodWill. Ah yeah BARGAIN SHOPPING.

Back from Goodwill. I got a really nice grey wool blazer and a plum top to match my plum necklace.

College has been great so far. I love my roommate. I love you Candice! I really miss all of my friends though. Especially Natalie. She is going to school in GA.

Brian and Johnathan have moved into our home. I am so happy they are safe and sound. I really miss them though. I got to see them at Romp n Stomp, but that was only for about 24 hours. Hopefully I will get to go home in a couple of weeks though.

I realize I haven't updated in a long time. Today was a good day. I went shopping. Window shopping-because I am broke. It was still fun though. I got a lot of ideas on what to look for when I go to my dad's house. I found a cool new store where I can get manga. If you don't know what this is don't ask me what it is, I don't want to explain it. Then I went into Abercrombie and about flipped out at the prices. One sweater cost the same price as working for one weekend in my store!!!! YIKES! Definitely not buying my back to school clothes there LOL.

Anyway. I am all excited about going to college. I haven't signed up for classes yet but I really want to take tap or ballet, and maybe some art classes. I will definitely have to take some french too (eh!) Hope my teacher is better than last year's. Well all for now. I am going to the pool.

Yay! I have finally graduated.... I look like such a cheeseball in this picture..lol    : p

Hm.....Haven't updated in so long? What to say? there is so much....Do you people even read this thing? prob. not. I am so tired today. Too much cake and bike riding :) I am really proud of myself. This summer i am really getting off of my bum and doing stuff. Between work and all my other obligations I am playing tennis, riding my bike, jogging....not to mention swimming at the pool.

I have even gone on a few dates recently! Yay!

I am really excited about going to summerserve too. I am leaving July 9 and will be back on the 11. That means I don't have to work the entire weekend. I need the hours though. It  is so hard trying to save up money for college. Speaking of college, I miss Natalie so much. She's away at Spelman and I feel so lonely with her gone! I can't wait until she gets back. Right now I am working on sending her this really cute care package. *^_^*

Jennifer and I went to see The Terminal last Friday and we went out to Sawmill Taproom too. It was so much fun. I love Jennifer. She is my bestest friend (besides Natalie).

Everyone just seems so busy this summer...it's like there is no time for hanging out or just chillin...everyone is away on vacay, busy with boyfriends or jobs. I really should make more of an effort to see people too. 

 

Wow...I never realized how weird some of my friends were...

Graduation was perfect. I almost cried several times. Everyone was so poised and beautiful. Only one person tripped. It was such a fun day. The sun was shining. I loved my lime green dress with white polka dots. I did manage to lose my tassel right before graduation, luckily, Stephanie had an extra one and she let me use it. I can't believe I am now a college girl!!!! WOOP WOOP!

After graduation all of my family and friends came to a cookout at my house to celebrate. You won't believe all the gifts I got! The best part though, was that everybody was getting along. I was amazed at the kindness with which everyone was treating each other. People who hate each other, they were actually on speaking terms! It was such a fun day... My little cousins and neighbor's children played on the slip and slide. We ate ribs that were so good the meat was falling off the bone. Corn on the cob, baked beans, deviled eggs, and strawberry shortcake. MMM MMM. I love my strawberry shortcake!

And I could feel all the love gravitating around me for the first time all at once. People loving people, people loving me, me loving people. Everyone seemed connected. It was a great day.

I am so extremely tired. Things aren't going at all the way I expected them too. But I guess things could be worse. And there's always tomorrow. And I am looking forward to a new day...haha.

Ok, so my life is just getting back to normal. It's just beginning to be calm and peaceful. And then things happen that tilt my gravitational sphere once again. Why do people, or certain people, have this effect on me?

Tonight I got a prom dress. Yes another one! lol So I have to return the other two tommorrow.

All for now. I am too happy to type alot.

There are butterflies in my stomach....

Today I had to take Alison, a little girl I babysit for, to swim lessons. It was her first time and her mom had to go to an open house, so I had to take her. She was the best one there. I am not just saying that either, she really was. She is so cute!

Wow, there is so much to do until graduation. I feel like I have this huge weight on me right now. But I can't wait to graduate and I am really excited about going off to college.

I am really looking forward to prom. Everyone is going to look so gorgeous! I can't wait to see the decorations either. This is a picture of me before prom last year. This year you people who read this thing will have to wait to see my dress until prom!

Wow! I haven't updated in a long time. Today I got to thinking about my life. I was thinking about how you can have a connection with someone who is a thousand miles away. They may be standing 10 feet away from, or dead, or your ex-spouse, and yet they still have this strange gravitation on you. You feel a spiritual connection to them, and yet they are a thousand miles away. How is that possible? Is it possible? Should it be possible?

Perhaps I am trying to be too smart for my own good. Perhaps I sound stupid. I don't know anymore.

I don't know what to feel, what to think....and yet all I can think about is...

Why am I so bad at relationships and with men?

Hmm..things to ponder.

Meanwhile yesterday I went on a fun Peep's hunt bc I didn't get any for easter...soo i went to various stores until I finally found some peeps. I also got some Whopper's Robin Eggs. YUM! My second favorite easter candy (next to Jelly Bean's of course).

Anyone out there hate peeps? Do you people even read this thing?

Tonight I went to my first cocktail party for the alumni and future students of Converse College who were from Raleigh. There were lots of affluent people there, but also unaffluent people there, if that is a word. I was the only "future" student, and the youngest of the entire group. Carrie, my college counselor at Converse, however, was there and it was comforting to see a familar face.

Then I was introduced to all the people at the party. The hostess gladly pointed out that her son was there, and then she turned to me and said in front of everyone, "And this is so and so," (I believe his name was George, "and he will be a attending college next year as a freshman as well Katie!" as if, I, somehow, was supposed to find some similarity to him and I because of this. It was so embarrassing! It was as if they said, ohhhh here are two young people, let's embarrass them! I was probably blushing like a schoolgirl.

The food of course was delicious...little cheesecakes and quiches and roast beef and etc. And the house was gorgeous. It was decorated with antiques and paintings and there were lots of candles.

Today was a glorious day! The sun was shining, and I enjoyed basking in its glory! I can't wait until summer! I want to go to the beach so bad!!!!!